A Quick Update

Wow, it's really been a while, eh? So I was right. Like I said from the beginning: blogging, like any kind of committment didn't seem to be my thing. Anyhoo, in case I'm gonna forget later, here are the last 4 months in a nutshell.

Ba had a stroke. Minor, or so they said. Lost myself when G called to tell me. What was I to do? Couldn't help it. Why me? Why him? Why us? Why now? Tried not to cry at the hospital. Didn't want him to think I was pretending to care. Didn't even know I cared. Nonetheless. Never felt so useless in my entire life. Seeing him so small, so vulnerable, his speech slurred, his fingers weakened... There was absolutely nothing I could do. Rushed back to Seattle asap. Running off? Definitely. A coward? For sure. Just couldn't bear it any more. Guess they had to, sooner or later. Can't be around forever to take care of everything. So that's that. Finally moved out. No big plans for the new year. Still enjoying the new apartment very much. Living alone for the first time... in downtown...it's the only way. Drinking, even alone, became more fun. Not sure if that's a good thing. Stopped going out, even though the clubs are within walking distance now. Done. At least for now. It's not as much fun any more. Maybe I'm getting old... maybe everything is getting old. Either way, it's inevitable. Had to work NYE, but actually went out afterwards. Tried to make the mid-nite thing and barely made it. Couldn't find anyone inside the club. The music was playing. Lights. Confetti. Everyone was kissing/hungging someone. Don't know what I expected. But never felt so alone till then. Just wanted to go home. Then and there. Time goes by. Fast. It's been one year already. The banquet was good. She would have been proud. Is how much one loves someone really determined by how long one spends grieving for that person? It's a cruel way to see it. So superficial. But for what it's worth, one year is nothing. Nothing compared to what was given all those 23 years. Without calculation. Very much taken for granted.

Turned 25 yesterday, officially anyway, which was what promted this entry. Guess I'm supposed to look at how much I've done, and set more goals for myself. Nah. The whole creating life thing, just makes me miss her even more. Sometimes it actually hurts. It's been a pretty non-productive year. She hates being non-productive. Sorry, Ma. Sorry to disappoint you. I just can't do it. So you see, I'm not as great as you thought I was. I thought I could do anything. But apparently only when you were there to cheer me on. Forgive me, but I guess for now I just have to take it one day at a time, hour by hour... One day, I will no longer be afraid of answering the phone. I won't feel uncomfortable talking to my own brothers and sisters. I'll be able to look at your picture and carry on. Today is not that day.

Had to work tonite. Even though it was supposedly my birthday. Even though I could barely walk and I was losing my voice. That party of 23 didn't help either. Thank God N was there. My first birthday party ever. 2 seven courses of beef. Lots of martinis. And great company. Good stuff. A birthday bash. Indeed.

Finally, though not as important... Almost maxed out Amex at BR on the winter clearance... Finally gave up the idea of having the shaggy hair style... Someone threw a rock at the car windshield and ruined it completely!!!

About me

In yet another attempt to expand my circle of friends and "cheer me up", I recently signed up for DownElink, "an online gay community that allows people to interact with each other through social networks & resources". Like every other personals, I had to complete a profile. And like every other times, I had a hard time describing who I am. So I asked a good friend of mine to help out. Instead, he came back with this thought: maybe the problem with me was that I couldn't come up with anything good about myself, which wasn't what I asked him for in the first place (but that's my friend, and he's a whole different story). I asked him to describe me cause I wanted to know how other people see me, I guess. But I still don't know why it seemed so difficult and such a big deal to me. But then again, everything always seems to be a big deal to me. Anyway, after several weeks, I came up with something. It worked out well cause I ended up using the same one in the profile of this blog.

On a side note, dinner for tonight: congee with blood cubes and duck cabbage. Yum!!!

Happiness

There was a birthday party at work last night. The cake they brought was beautiful. A small coconut mousse. No cheesey decorations. Just a simple "Happiness" on top. I wonder if the birthday guy got the cake himself, and decided to put in his wish before the moment he blew out the candle. Or someone else got the cake, and thought that was what he needed the most on this birthday. Either way, his wish certainly came true. He seemed genuinely happy. How could he not? His Mom was there. So was his girlfriend. And all of the 25 friends he invited showed up.

It's easy to take things for granted when you're happy. And people only realize that when it's too late, when happiness seems impossible to attain. I don't think I've been trully happy since Ma dies. It's gotten worse recently when it finally hit me that she's really gone. I can't recall a single night that I don't dream about her. Though most of the time I couldn't remember what the dreams were about. But often I'll find myself waking up in tears.

I should probably see a professional because I know I'm dealing with this the wrong way. I've been avoiding any contact with my brothers and sisters. I keep putting off having her headstone placed. Everything reminds me of her. If something doesn't, I'll try so hard to remember it cause I'm scared that I will forget her. I can't trully be happy cause I don't think I should be. Cause that would mean I don't love her.

My sister called 2 nights ago when I got off work, wondering why I haven't returned her calls. I never realized how much she sounded like Ma. Driving home, tears streamed down my face and I didnt' know why. That happens quite often lately. For the first time in a very long time, I could remember the dream I had that night. I was dying and Ma was there with me. I had my head in her lap and she was looking down at me. She wasn't crying nor did she say anything. She had her right hand on my forehead, like how she used to check my temperature everytime I was sick. Her eyes were sad and desperate. I know what they were saying. She wanted to switch places with me, to die my death. I, on the other hand, was crying non-stop. Not from the physical pain, but from the pain knowing I was causing my Ma all that grief and suffering.

Mango Business

Apparently summer is here. For the last 2 weeks I've had trouble sleeping at night, which is very unusual for me. I stayed in bed all day reading. I was even too lazy to watch TV. My friend J thought I was depressed. But I know that's just how my body signals the arrival of summer. It happens every year. I've heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it usually refers to winter depression. Maybe there is another form of SAD and I might have it. Maybe they should start doing research on summer depression.

So it makes sense that I'm not a big fan of summer. But besides the bad stuffs like SAD, my face breaking out more often and not being able to dress up as nicely as I am during winter, there are a few good things. One of them is the availability of a variety of fruits. Like mangoes. I know mangoes might be imported from Peru, and it might not be summer there now. But it tastes the best to me during this time regardless. But anyway, I bought a big box from HH, like how I always buy more than enough for one person. The first cut into the first one, I knew right away that it was bad. I could feel the blade cutting against the fibers spreading from the pit. Taking bites directly from the fruit wasn't a better idea either, as I found out. The fibers ended up getting stuck between my teeth. To make it short, I just threw the whole thing away.

So there it is. The secret is out. I can not eat fibrous mangoes. Why? I've got no idea.

...

... What'll i do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?
...

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